Return Home and Tell

Hi! It’s me coming up for air!

It certainly goes without saying that it has been “a minute”, it's been many in fact. But hey! C’est la vie. You can always really tell when I’m busy because there’s an enormous void in the oversharing online department. But never fear, I always find my way back, ready to fulfill my civic duty. 

To get you up to speed – nothing traditionally “blog worthy” has happened since August. As much as I love to share the highs – like camping on Maui all summer, running the streets of Vienna, and staying up til the sun rises on Nantucket – the lows have a story worth telling too. 

This past semester, my first full semester of grad school, was a bit ~traumatizing~ to say the least. (I was taught that dramatic language makes your writing better, maybe it’ll also distract you from the disregard of proper grammar that is bound to occur). I enrolled in more hours than what is considered “full time” by the University, worked two jobs, and adjusted to living alone and off campus, not being in my sorority, (I’ll save you the rest, but I could go on)..... all of it. 

It was so hard and I don’t love addressing hardship. I don’t like to hash out every emotion and “find the root”, etc. I prefer a much more unhealthy method of letting it all build up until it’s 8pm on a Friday night and I’m crying on the floor of my studio apartment eating cold soup. Told you the oversharing was coming. 

Anyways, I’m sure you get the picture. Lucky you. 

I underestimated how difficult it was all going to be. I was lonely, overwhelmed, and felt like I didn’t have it in me to find joy in the long days. Who knew grad school was supposed to be super tough, lol? Retrospectively, I ignorantly brought a very Elle Woods “What, like it's hard?” vibe to this function. 

How silly of me. 

I’m only 22 after all, I’m still learning! 

It’s 5:48 in the morning as I’m writing this and I’m not sure this will see the light of day, but anyway, I’ve been up since 4:15 because I took my dad to the airport this morning. I made him listen to Lana Del Rey the whole way there, it was awesome. 

I had planned on going back to bed, but as per usual, God had other plans! The words that inspired this post, (ah yes, the point of all this! She does have one!)

Luke 8:39 “Return to your home and tell them how much God has done for you.” 

The chapter of Luke recounts Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection. There’s 24 chapters. I’ve been reading one everyday, kind of like a holiday reading advent calendar, so that you can wake up on Christmas morning and remember the reason for this celebration, what a miracle this all is. 

When I read that this morning, minutes before I was hoping to go back to sleep, this verse stopped me in my dazed, half-asleep tracks and suddenly I was wide awake. 

I moved home for my final semester. I’ll have online classes and work remotely, it worked out perfectly for where I’m at in life right now. For those of you that know me, there’s no place I’m happier than at home in Jupiter. It’s my secret garden! (If you’re not a Taylor Swift fan, then just ignore that reference). But, for many, it raises a few eyebrows and the question of “why would you want to miss out on your last semester in Tallahassee where all of your friends are?” 

Fair question. The answer is simple though, “go where peace leads”. There’s not much else for me to say other than it's where I feel like God wants me for these next couple of months. I did the hard thing, I’ve never worked harder in my entire life than I did the past five months (and I have the concerning screen time stats on my laptop to prove it.)

But, for now, as Luke 8:39 says — it’s time for me to return home and share how God carried me through such a weird, stagnant yet transformative period. 

It’s time to rest! Thank goodness. It’s time for yoga, it’s time for walks on the beach with my mom, coffee with my dad in the morning (always turns into a finance “lesson” in which I tune out after the third mention of a credit score), and weekend visits to see my sister. It’s time to let it loose for a little while. 

Most days, I woke up with a pit in my stomach, anxious thoughts swirling in my head before I even had both feet on the floor. I didn’t see how I could get it all done or how I’d make it through. Sure, it does sound a bit dramatic when you're on the other side of it, or a third party perspective. But, we’ve all been there, whether academically or socially, where you can just feel the weight of everything on your shoulders and you can see you’re not at your best. 

I spent four months there. Maybe from social media it seems to be the contrary, but we all know that’s no judge of how a person is really doing. 

What I learned from this experience is that you can’t give your circumstance the power — the power over your thoughts, priorities, and perspective. 

Easier said than done, obviously. Lord knows I struggled. “Count it pure joy when you experience trials of all kinds,” they said. You can’t be serious I thought??? But that’s how you learn. Trial by fire baby! 

Yes, I barely saw my friends. Yes, I woke up before the sun everyday to fit everything in. Yes, I was probably not the biggest joy to interact with on the daily. But, through it all – I felt God not only with me, but telling me “head down, eyes up.” 

He didn’t make the work stop, my schedule lighter, or my social calendar existent — but he did give this season a purpose. There’s a season for everything under the sun – a time to mourn, a time to weep, a time for joy, and a time for dancing. You don’t reap immediately after you sow. 

I put my head down and honored where God had me, even though it was hardly any fun. I sought him in the morning, asked for just enough strength to get through that day, and then repeated it all the next day. 

I learned so much about the Lord during this season. It was just me and Him most days, kicking it — or something like that. 

I say all of this to say that if you’re in this space right now, if you’re feeling it all, all the time – just know that “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5). 

Plus, you’ll feel really good when your head is above the water. You’ll be really proud of yourself. You’ll book yourself a massage and drink wine with your friends and laugh while scrolling through all of the “locked in” and “in the trenches” updates you sent. 

It will all be good. 

And when it is, you too, can return home and tell them about the good that God has done in your life. 

Talk sooner than what "soon" usually means for me! Promise!

Xo, Maddie